Again, I'm going to start blogging more. Since moving to DC without Ned, I feel like I've had a lot to say and no one to say it to. Training for Ironman Arizona is in full swing. I'm in week six and I'm holding up about like I thought I would. I'm at a mental low right now. I hurt a lot and I am tired a lot, but I keep getting better and my body isn't breaking down so I consider that a success. It was hard to start again because I keep remembering what I used to be able to do and it is hard to have to start behind that. But every week I get stronger. I went for a run today and did pretty well for me. It hurt at the end but I kept thinking that everyone hurts at points like that and that it is the ones that keep going through the hurt that are called ironmen. What I didn't realize was how little I had eaten today. I kept getting cramps and at the very end I had to stop for a second and I almost passed out. I manged to finish the run with a "run" up the big hill at the end.
As soon as I got home I ate, but I just haven't been able to eat recently. Nothing looks tasty and I see everything as "unhealthy." I have to get over that if I want to finish this thing. When I get cravings for food I have to let myself give in because I'm just excited I want to eat. Last night I wanted Chinese food like nothing else. I ordered on line and finally after an hour of not getting my food I called and they said they never got my order. Now not only was I really really hungry, I wasn't going to get my food. Well, low blood sugar makes me do stupid stuff and I kicked the refridgerator really hard. My foot is ok but I must be getting really strong because there is now a dent in the fridge. A lot of the reason I don't want to eat is because I have been losing so much weight and I love it. Something switches in my head and I don't want to put anything "unhealthy" in my body and then everything becomes "unhealthy" and there is nothing I will let myself eat. That's why the Chinese food incident made me so upset, I had finally found something I wanted to eat and I had decided to give in. Tonight I finally got Chinese food but my blood sugar is so low I feel rather nauseated and can't seem to choke it down.
I have also been having some mental doubts. I never feel that anything I do is good enough. I try to pick the hardest things I can think of and then I realize that it is actually nothing special. Then I think of what would be special and it is always one step further. Like now I think that only Hawaii counts and that Arizona is not a "real" ironman. I just wish I could be "done" and "good enough" but I guess I will never get there.....
Well, back to trying to eat what I wanted to eat yesterday and can't seem to eat today. Oh, that and the bike trainer, I have one more workout today!
