After all my bitching and moaning last night, I realized I was just being silly. I e-mailed my friend Flip, who always makes me feel better and he went above and beyond this time. He used stats to prove I don't suck. Being a scientist, this just rocked and convinced me I don't suck. He pulled out the "Z score!" Score! There is more on Facebook too. This also shows me just how bad I am at the run in comparison to others. I need more track workouts. I also reconnected with someone I went to high school with who has done an ironman. She made me feel better about the whole process too. She said that no one realizes what you are going through and that you just have to keep moving forward. This is good advice for not only the race, but practice too. I'm doing a long bike ride this afternoon. I hope it goes well. Just once I would like to average 20 mph on a bike in a tri. Maybe at Nations.

NJ Tri

Well its been a week since I've written. I did the NJ tri this weekend. It went. I thought that with all the training I've been doing I would be able to at least hang with my age group, but alas no. I got a PR, but I did really crappy in comparison to everyone else which means it was just a really fast course. Its just sort of crushing when you put so much work into something and feel like you get nothing back. I guess it is good that I am not spending today as a ball of pain but I should have been able to do better on this tri. I should have been able to push harder but I didn't. The run broke me. It always does. I hate that it has now become about times instead of finishing, but it has. I had fun. I liked being with a club, but I still feel like crap mentally. I guess I have just gotten as fast as I can and in yet another endeavour I will have to settle for being crappy. Everything just seems to suck right now. I feel like even my ironman is a useless goal. What's the point, it doesn't prove anything. Its not Hawaii which is the only one the world seems to think is worth it and really Ironman has become what marathons are, the new thing to do. It seems that, like the marathon, in 5 years everyone will have done one and no one will care anymore. what's the point? I can't quite now though because I have already paid my $500 and I'm cheap so I have to at least show up and not waste the money. And if I show up I might as well be prepared to finish. I would hate wasting $500. At least this blog isn't just about the good times in my training.....

Weight Loss

Being a girl it is always hard to talk about weight. If you think you are the right weight or if you are actually losing weight you don't fit in to so many conversations with girls. Everyone is unhappy with the way they look or is trying to lose weight but doesn't feel they are losing enough. It seems that no one does it in a very healthy way. Every girl has done things like not eating for a week etc. There are two times in my life I have walked out of a pair of pants. I am wearing them and accidentally step on the back and they sort of fall off. One time was my second year of grad school. I had stopped eating and was horribly depressed but was really happy about the way I looked for the first time in my life. Yes, I was happy I finally had the willpower to stop eating. Here I am, crying myself to sleep every night, feeling just horrible every minute of every day and all any girl, including my mom, ever said was "wow you look good!" Was it worth being depressed to be thin? Almost. Did everyone else think it was worth it, yes. Except for my sister Lauren, she was worried about me and I will always be happy she was. It was nice to know that someone didn't think it was worth it.

Since I got better from the depression I have constantly been fighting to lose weight. I started training for triathlons and lost a bit but wanted to lose more. Ned kept saying, in true physicist form, just eat less and workout more. I didn't have time to work out more and I already felt I wasn't eating enough because I was constantly tired. It seemed so simple to him but it was a lot less simple for me.
Yesterday I walked out of a pair of pants again. Am I skinny by societal definition, no. When I saw my mom she didn't even notice. I still need to be thinner, but I don't really feel I need to be. Will I lose more weight, maybe. Is it the goal of working out, no. But damn is it a nice side effect. Now I am pretty happy and I am really healthy and I am again at my skinny end. The part that makes me the proudest is that I am 15-20 pounds heavier than I was the last time I lost my pants. That's right, I have 15-20 pounds more and it is now mostly muscle. It has taken just as much will power, but has been a lot tastier. I eat a lot, breakfast, second breakfast, elevnsies, lunch, snack and dinner. And last night I had 2 donuts.

This whole thing has really changed the way both Ned and I look at weight loss, but in opposite directions. I feel that if all the will power women put into not eating where channeled into working out, they could lose weight in a healthy way. Ned finally realized how much genetics play a part in weight loss. As he said, if it takes an Ironman training program to make my body finally lose weight, then maybe some people just have a harder time and he is just lucky. I've known for some time that he is genetically just skinny. Now he realizes it and sees that it isn't all physics involved in weight loss. I'm glad he realized that and I am lucky to be married to a guy who is willing to change his world view when presented with compelling evidence. He is such a physicist!

After lots of posting I haven't posted in a few days. Its been kinda busy around here. I'm having problems with the traveling and working out thing. While working out I think of all these things I want to say here, but now I can't remember any of them! I guess it keeps my mind occupied and away from some of the pain. :) I hate running and I wish I could have some big breakthrough that made me love it. I just feel like a hippo and have never gotten the hang of it. I wish I were shaped better but the fact that I carry all of my weight in my hips somehow just makes me feel weirdly unbalanced. I guess the best I can do is just keep trying. The thing that is starting to scare me is that I am having some serious mental issues. I am mentally giving up on workouts before I feel like I need to physically. I think so much of it is not getting a day off. I just would like one day where I don't have to go anywhere and I don't have to get up at any certain time to work out. I travel so much that the weekends I do have in town are spent trying to fix all the stuff that has gone to hell while I've been out of town. I think it is the never ending monotony of the workouts, the fact that after this one there is always tomorrow that is really getting to me. I thought I was mentally tough and I am for one workout but 9 in a row, week after week and I am only really at the beginning, this is getting tough. I feel like such a wuss admitting it, but I need to find something stronger for the day after day drudgery. And I'm tired. I'm never getting a dog. I'm beginning to rethink ever having kids. Never dog-sit.

Almost time to go back to real life.

I'm still in Pittsburgh. Today is my off day and it has been nice to have a break. The one bad thing is that my lower back/right hip has been hurting. I think it might be because of my really cute new shoes, which makes me sad. I really like those shoes! I have really had a nice time in Pittsburgh, but not really because I like Pittsburgh. It has been wonderful to not have to worry about making dinner or breakfast or lunch. Its been a nice break from the office and I have had a loved just chilling at night. I've been fed by 6pm every night and then can go back to the hotel, workout and go to sleep. I really had no idea this would be such a break. I had no idea I really needed one but I guess I did. Most trips are just giant PITAs but this has been a pleasant surprise. I don't like the city much though, its a little scary and I'm sure lots of people will take offense to me saying that. I do really miss the swimming and I'll have to play catch up next week. I am due for a down week next week, but I'm going to put it off for a week. The week after next I am going to be in Edmonton for an AAPT meeting and that would be the perfect week to go easy. On top of that I have the New Jersey Tri the weekend after the meeting so it will be a nice taper. AAPT should be a bunch of fun. I've lost a little weight so I went to the mall today and got some new fun going out clothes. I actually had fun shopping and I have a great new skirt. If only the cute shoes didn't hurt my back....

Proper Doctor vs. Other Doctor

Ok, I am blogging while watching the last Doctor Who. The Doctor and Rose finally met up and.... they hugged! WTF after 2 years of sexual repression on both of their parts I was hoping for an all out snog-fest not a damn hug! RTD I am not a fan..... ok, back to it.

Done. WTF!!!!!!!!! Well, Rose is with a doctor, but not the real Doctor, the proper Doctor. So I am conflicted. Rose has what she wants and will spend her life with a doctor. It was pretty bloody obvious as soon as the other "doctor" was created, but Proper Doctor will still roam the universe as a lonely little boy. How can he keep making himself so sad? How can Rose spend her life with Other Doctor when he isn't traveling which is like his whole existence? Its all so wrong and right at the same time. Oh, and River Song is Other Doctor and Rose's baby. Just a thought. Why do I only like romance with aliens? Oh yeah and there were some Daleks or something and some stuff blew up and the earth was saved.

I did a treadmill workout tonight. Traveling really sucks when it comes to working out. I did a speed workout but it is so hard to do that on a treadmill because you can't change speed quickly. I want to do things outside! At least I am lucky enough to have access to a treadmill and weight machines while I am here.

Oh that Doctor Who just has me so bummed!!!!! And it won't be on again until 2010. I am in such a bad mood! And Captain Jack was in it and there was still almost no snogging!!!!! And Other Doctor and Rose's one snog wasn't even that good!!!! I've seen her in Secret Diary of a Call Girl, I know she can do better than that!

Alohomora

I'm in Pittsburgh for work and because I drove up I was lucky enough to be able to bring the Firebolt and my trainer. I love it when I am able to watch a Harry Potter movie while on the trainer because there is something so cool about getting to be on the Firebolt while watching Harry on his. Why do they even bother to lock doors at Hogwarts? It seems they taught everyone the spell to unlock a door in their first year so why go through the trouble of the lock? Yes I know that there are charms and such that can prevent the use of the standard unlocking spell, but really, how on earth is there a market for the good old fashion dead bolt in the wizarding world? Yet every door is fully equipped with the useless piece of hardware. So silly!

In other news I did NOT watch the season finale of Doctor Who so I could work out. I could have watched it while on my trainer but that is like doing two things at once and I want to be able to fully pay attention to Doctor Who. I actually chose working out over the Doctor, now that's commitment!

Harbo and Samuelsen

In trying to post more, I am going to post today too! I didn't actually do my trainer workout last night because I got to screwing around on the internet and time flew by and then it was just too late. It will all get done though. After my mental freak out yesterday I had two people say things to me that made me feel better. First, Ned said that when he can't concentrate on his dissertation, which is due in a few weeks, he thinks of how hard I worked on mine and the will it took to get it done ( I didn't sleep for 40 hours at one point). Seeing how hard I can push myself helps him push himself. Then my friend Rob said that thinking about how hard I train made him run an extra mile on his daily run. These both made me happy because it means I am helping other people work towards their goals and push themselves harder. I like that. Everyone is so much stronger than they think they just need to find that little voice that says "hell no you are not giving up now! run up that damn hill!" When I'm feeling like I want to give up I start singing the Ballad of Harbo and Samuelsen. They rowed across the Atlantic ocean in 55 days and 13 hours. A record that still stands. How can I give up after a 90 min. run when they rowed 21 hours a day for 55 days after being capsized and half starved to death? Oh and then on the way back, the boat they were on, powered by steam, ran out of fuel and rather than have their precious boat, the Fox, burned they got off the steamer, back in the Fox and rowed home! What on earth do I have to complain about compare to that!

So far I've done a 3,000 yard swim today. It felt ok, but I get pushed so much harder with the DCTri club swims that I feel like such a slacker without them. Tonight I will actually do a workout on the trainer. Oh I remember the days when a three mile run was a workout. Now it seems to be a warm up.

The Chinese Food Incident

Again, I'm going to start blogging more. Since moving to DC without Ned, I feel like I've had a lot to say and no one to say it to. Training for Ironman Arizona is in full swing. I'm in week six and I'm holding up about like I thought I would. I'm at a mental low right now. I hurt a lot and I am tired a lot, but I keep getting better and my body isn't breaking down so I consider that a success. It was hard to start again because I keep remembering what I used to be able to do and it is hard to have to start behind that. But every week I get stronger. I went for a run today and did pretty well for me. It hurt at the end but I kept thinking that everyone hurts at points like that and that it is the ones that keep going through the hurt that are called ironmen. What I didn't realize was how little I had eaten today. I kept getting cramps and at the very end I had to stop for a second and I almost passed out. I manged to finish the run with a "run" up the big hill at the end.

As soon as I got home I ate, but I just haven't been able to eat recently. Nothing looks tasty and I see everything as "unhealthy." I have to get over that if I want to finish this thing. When I get cravings for food I have to let myself give in because I'm just excited I want to eat. Last night I wanted Chinese food like nothing else. I ordered on line and finally after an hour of not getting my food I called and they said they never got my order. Now not only was I really really hungry, I wasn't going to get my food. Well, low blood sugar makes me do stupid stuff and I kicked the refridgerator really hard. My foot is ok but I must be getting really strong because there is now a dent in the fridge. A lot of the reason I don't want to eat is because I have been losing so much weight and I love it. Something switches in my head and I don't want to put anything "unhealthy" in my body and then everything becomes "unhealthy" and there is nothing I will let myself eat. That's why the Chinese food incident made me so upset, I had finally found something I wanted to eat and I had decided to give in. Tonight I finally got Chinese food but my blood sugar is so low I feel rather nauseated and can't seem to choke it down.
I have also been having some mental doubts. I never feel that anything I do is good enough. I try to pick the hardest things I can think of and then I realize that it is actually nothing special. Then I think of what would be special and it is always one step further. Like now I think that only Hawaii counts and that Arizona is not a "real" ironman. I just wish I could be "done" and "good enough" but I guess I will never get there.....

Well, back to trying to eat what I wanted to eat yesterday and can't seem to eat today. Oh, that and the bike trainer, I have one more workout today!